I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize