we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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