I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
