Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
