I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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