The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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