OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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