i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
