Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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