you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
