I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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