We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
