No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize