Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
