if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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