I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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