Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
