I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
