The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
