I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
