this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
