I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
