Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
