Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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