you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize