i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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