When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
