I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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