dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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