i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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