Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize