So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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