I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
