i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
