Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
