Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
