I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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