someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
