The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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