She is in my trunk
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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