She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
