I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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