No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you inspire me to be a worse person
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize