i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
