i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
