you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
