the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
