When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
