we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize