I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
