there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
