we have officially mastered the walk of shame
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
