just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
