Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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