How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
