god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize