overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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