so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
