So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
