Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
