I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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