Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I would fuck him just for his dog
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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