Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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